Hello there!!!

And again I am really struggling, feeling very dizzy and tired. I can’t help it. I have given my all in this world and honestly…… at this moment I almost don’t want to live anymore and go to where my husband went to…… It seems like everything around me is so much asleep and nobody cares about each other. I feel like i’m screaming in an orb or something, and nobody can see me or hear me. Of course I know nothing is what it seems, but I do not experience a lot of compassion in my life, except for my two sweet nieces who are supporting me and now and then a phonecall from my SIL. Of course I know that’s more than many many other people ever receive in this world and of course i know of all the heartbreaking and horrible situations so many other children and people are in these days, in poor countries etc. etc. But hey…. i’m just me, stuck here too, can barely walk, lost almost everything I got and it’s a fact i’m in survival mode. I’m struggling to keep my house up and everything, financially, healthwise……… I am simply being honest here about how I feel at the moment. So much is happening and changing, and to experience that all on top of all the exhaustion of the past years is very difficult. Foremost because my body works against me. My spirit wants to do so much, but i’m stuck in this body that keeps me on the ground. I’m searching for wings but I can’t leave the ground. That’s the feeling i’m experiencing. So……….. I thought let’s put some angels on the wall, pffff…….. again…. the show must and keeps going on. I’m not an easy quitter…. I think I will never quit, but i’m close to it! I tried to commit suicide when I was 20 and it didn’t work out well, and I feel very close to those times at the moment. But I have to stay strong and will never do that again, I know, but those feelings of feeling lost and who cares i’m alive etc….. I try to go to sleep when those difficult feelings posess me and that helps. And of course I pray to God for help, and that helps too, and it is that I know what’s coming and that is so grand so beautiful, but the last hour is the hardest part of the whole journey, like always, isn’t it. It’s almost time for the big big happening, and I have to hold on. I do know I don’t have much reserves left. I never thought I would find myself in this situation ever in my life. I miss my husband so much, especially his protection and love. I always felt so safe at his side. Now I feel like a lost ship at sea. Anyway…….. i’ll put the angels on the wall. They will guide me to a safe haven. Sorry i’m so low energy today. It is what it is. Tomorrow might be a better day. I’ll go to bed early. That helps too. I hope you feel good today!

Enjoy today! Tomorrow may never come!